Well if my business plan for the ‘New Celtic ‘works out (it will, trust me), you’ll get penalties for nothing, your players will be enabled to do absolutely anything they bloomin’ well like and get off Scot-free (being sent off will not be an option contemplated by my pals Euan N***** and Willie  C***** and their bespectacled friends). A note of caution here though – it may be different in European competitions – isn’t it typical of bloody foreigners – they don’t understand the original Scottish rules of the beautiful game (ouch!) I mean if we invented the game why must they persist in this fair play rubbish?  Is this pish or what? Xenophobia – not bloody likely, they’re just dammed eejits pure and simple. Get a life Europe and while you’re at it what is this Euro thing that nobody likes anymore?


Anyway on with my vision, your manager, popularly known as the human sub-group ‘Lennon’ will now get real protection from that elite force often referred to, quite rightly I say, as Strathclyde’s finest. In future your manager will be known as ‘Neil’ and even Mr. Neil Lennon (on royal or masonic occasions) when referred to in our cornucopia of all things true, the ‘Daily Ranger’ and the various other disparate printed wonders which pass for journalism in Scotland.

As for your fans they’ll just be ‘happy as larry’ because they will be allowed to sing sectarian songs as loud as they like and as long as the day is long because that magnificent bastion of impartiality known as the BBC (who I do have the honour to serve on an ad hoc basis) won’t hear anything except jolly community singing. What a happy  little nation we are.

We also have a  hand-picked team of selectively deaf presentors at the BBC to ensure consistency of approach in relation to community singing – these of course include Rob M****** and Pat N****, two of our most reliable employees.

In the future there will be parades in the street on match days which will pass close by to Celtic Park  proclaiming the advent of that truly happy and memorable day – the birth of the the hoopy blue and whites (of course you’ll play with bright orange socks so as not to confuse us with that nasty team somewhere in the lower divisions disgustingly called the G****oak Morton). The elected representatives, our ‘city fathers’ will ensure that these parades are an annual event as they strive to cash in the tourist market which strangely has by-passed our dear g**** place for too long – lets just call it Glasgow (whats this gaelic rubbish, it is a wee bit anachronistic the old gaelic after all, like something from the last decade of the 17th century – I mean what species of  idiot remembers that far back? It’s almost Neanderthal innit).

The Scottish Government has now passed laws to have the ‘others’ punished and possibly imprisioned for not keeping the faith –  no words and no singing from unfaithful types will be tolerated – the establishment now guarantees that God is on your side whilst you tread this earthly paradise.

Strathclydes finest will be very, very particular in enforcing the law of our land you need never worry on that account. Dangerous criminals who park on double yellow lines and the unfaithful filth – you have been well-warned, you would be well advised to take heed now or forever sit in your prison cell to rue your actions. I say God bless our police and God bless the Scottish government, this truly is God’s wee country – and best of all – overhead a bright blue sky whilst tramping on green grass (what does that tell you except that God does truly love you – remember that above all things). Okay somedays the sky in Scotland is grey.

What a wheeze, why didn’t the Celtic Board think of this ‘blue-do’ makeover before? Must I do everything?

You will henceforth be the beloved of Scotland’s 4th estate, I can see it now, a wonderous vision of  beautiful royal blue all over the redtops (does that make sense? Of course it does I said it).

What a bunch of numpties – you could have sold your lot to the bedevilled ones ages and ages ago and been winners all this time (okay there were a couple or three flukes along your sad pathetic way, notably in 1967 – but let’s face it these transient successes were more accident than design).

What do you think of this Dr. Faustus Reid? SENSE or what?

I know I’m just brilliant – aren’t I; all this fabbydo advice and it’s for free as well.

Generous, well I know I’ll go to heaven the moderator told me so.

What a total bunch of dafties you so-called Celtic-minded types are – are you bleedin’ Irish or something?

Doooh!  I just don’t get you guys. Are you stupid or what? Give me a break – really.

It’s certainly time for a change – like the man said you don’t need to accept being treated as a 2nd class citizen any longer. Stand up now, be real men I say, and be proud to be called the Hoopy Blues! (theres a song in there I’m sure – do you think Elvis is really alive and well and living on the moon? – I’ll telephone him tonight and find out – I’ll get back to you on this one – I just feel another marvellous redtop scoop coming on – oh am I so good or what – God really does love me).

It’s nice to be nice …

The star of Rabbie Burns …

We’re all Jock Tampson’s bairns …

Your level friend (and 3rd dan knuckle-cracker by the way)

I hand it to you …

Oh bugger, don’t you just hate F***** B******* & C********.

God Bless us all each and every one ….

Your good friend ….