Gaining celebrity endorsements will be an important part of becoming a front-runner. There are two main options for this; you can either get the backing of Phil MacGiollaBhain and rely on the internet vote, or get the backing of Jim Traynor and get the tabloid vote. I did say it was unencumbered by morality. The tabloids will be all over you like a rash, so you might as well prevent your private life being all over the press by agreeing to leak everything you know to them at all times.
There’s no point in coming up with policies that will work – no Celtic fan worth his salt is going to vote for a balanced budget. This will be a numptocracy, and you might as well go for it with gusto. Promise to sign everyone named Keane (don’t go daft and promise Messi; someone might see through that, but the resigning of Henrik Larsson will get you at least another 20% of the vote).
Suggest you know a lot about Irish history at every opportunity
Having followed my advice, you have of course been swept to power. What now?
Well, let’s face facts; you’re not getting re-elected. The team could win the Champions League three years running and you’d still not be the person to take Celtic on to the next level. Five years in charge of Celtic is enough to make anyone hated. Instead, your goal is to enjoy the five years as much as possible, and avoid being hung upside down from a lamppost in the Gallowgate.
This will be tricky, as you probably won’t be able to do most of the things you promised. The media are always quick to pour scorn on the idea of a warchest where this can’t be substantiated, so you’re going to have to do things to distract the media, and the fans.
I would strongly recommend starting this off with gladatorial combat. Have Samaras and Lawwell fight to the death before a game. It may be tempting to have the victor torn to pieces by wild lions, but you are going to need a lot of scapegoats. At least every second defeat the fans will demand someone be slaughtered. You should be mindful of their contract situation when choosing who will enter the arena.
You may also wish to consider re-enacting the Easter Rising at half-time, but with a different ending. To really get Celtic fans onside, refer constantly to the young (fictional) child murdered in Paisley for wearing a Celtic top. Or, to add some panache, bring out your own line of t-shirts, and then say they were murdered for wearing that. Enough of your electorate will believe it to buy you sympathy for a while. They certainly won’t ever demand you cut the budget. You’ll be following the Barcelona model, and Barcelona are currently £369.5m in debt. So spend, spend, spend! Speculate in the vain hope of accumulating! Someone else will pick up the tab in 5 years time.