THE INVESTIGATION
Years, nay decades, of dignified lickspittlery meant that this crack team could proceed apace with revealing the true truth of events; not the real truth as betrayed by the lying eyes of the watching populace. The first phase came immediately after the incident itself whereby Commission members Alistair “Goal fur Raaaaaiiiiiinjjjjuuurrrrrs!” Alexander, Billy Dodds and Craig “Nakamura and McGeady haven’t touched the ball and that’s great” Paterson, who were themselves witnessed to the scene of the crime, avoided all reference to it for the remainder of the match. So much so, that listeners tuning in after half time were left completely unaware that a despicable attack had even taken place. The second came in the form of a solemn eulogy from Dickie Gordon on BBC Radio Scotland at the end of the game, who expressed disappointment and regret at events, stating sombrely “this is the kind of thing we don’t want to see in Scottish football”.
Years of experience in presenting the correct kind of truth to the public, allowed Dickie to skilfully avoid expressions of indignation, accusations of cheating and calls for draconian punishment of the type advocated by the self same people following last season’s unsuccessful assassination attempt on Aiden McGeady at the same Easter Road venue. Gordon knew that such behaviour would prove counter-productive in this unique and complex case involving an Establisment club player (cases involving the Establishment club invariably are much more complex and always involve mitigating factors, such as when a player kicks an opponent in the head and the resulting red card is described as “ridiculous”– see lickspittle King, Darrell. Clearly a bullet has to be involved before a red card for a Rangers player is justified). Furthermore Gordon would have been fully aware that such utterances would have dire consequences for his future Winalot privileges.
The next phase of the investigation passed to Chick Young, a veteran and leading global authority on sycophantic interview and oral rectum probing techniques, perfected over the past 20 years and half a dozen Rangers managers. Perhaps Young’s finest hour came after the Man with Nosurname saw his team pumped 4-1 at home by a Romanian team who’s name sounds like a type of bladder infection. Chicko made sure that in the aftermath no awkward questions were asked; and let’s face it in those circumstances, ANY question would have been awkward. The resounding success of that mission is testament to the great man’s talent.
“WE HUVNAE ALLEGED ANYTHING”
Following a few pleasantries and compliments on Nosurname’s choice of cardigan and with his voice positively exuding trepidation and meekness, Chick got down to the unpleasant and entirely alien task at hand – asking the Rangers manager a question with the potential for an incriminating answer. However this is where Young showed his true blue world class toadying credentials by slipping in the world “alleged”, thereby allowing Nosurname to bark back at him (in a dignified manner of course) – “we huvnae alleged anything!”. Wiping the perspiration from his brow our valiant lickspittle was able to accept Nosurname’s guttural retort as a valid response, leaving the rest of us to wonder if McGregor had suddenly realised he’d forgotten to set the Sky+ box for the Red Hot freeview and suffered a spontaneous paroxysm of anguish. Such is the cynicism of the paranoiac timmy mindset in the face of the irrefutable Bill’s truth. Of course the same traitorous timmy mindset will have observed that the Man with Nosurname subjected to Young’s advanced rimming techniques and the Nosurname chairing The Walter Commission are one and the same and then no doubt try to read some form of sordid innuendo from it, where it is emphatically clear none exists.
FINDINGS
By 2.45pm on 22nd August 2010, the Walter Commission had concluded its investigation and revealed its findings. Those of a timmy paranoiac mindset were disturbed by the seeming undue haste with which proceedings had been conducted and abruptly terminated, but “let them stroll on” was the media’s dignified response.
LONE NUT GUNMAN
The Walter Commission’s conclusion was that McGregor was mortally wounded by a headbutt from the grassy penalty area immediately in front of him by a lone nut spikey haired gunman. The perpetrator was identified as one Del O Riordan, a pathological maniac with sordid connections to timmy as the report’s findings revealed he spent nearly two years as a resident and employee of the Parkhead piggery, before giving up football altogether and taking a menial job with the Hibernian Shite Footballer Depository (HSFD) overlooking Easter Road. This was found to be compelling and conclusive evidence of motive beyond all reasonable doubt. O Riordan was also condemned in the eyes of Commission chairman The Man With Nosurmame on account of his suspiciously Irishey sounding surname. However his commission colleagues were not keen to dwell on this evidence due to doubts surrounding the validity of a Man With Nosurname commenting on someone else’s surname.
PRIME SUSPECT ELIMINATED
Luckily… sorry, unfortunately, The Walter Commission were unable to interview the prime suspect O Riordan in the course of their investigations, as he was eliminated himself before they could do so by a purely accidental blow to the kidneys from misunderstood gangland nice guy Madjid “Eight fouls” Bougherra. It is understood that Eight Fouls was so enraged by O Riordan’s timmy treachery, and knowing he had at least another seven fouls in the bank before a yellow card would be administered thanks to an obliging Mason in Black, decided to take matters into his own boot. Speculation abounds amongst paranoid timmies of how Bougherra happened to be in the part of the pitch where O Riordan was fatally injured and that the MIB may have played some sort of role in this in an attempt to cover up certain umpalatable truths, but that’s timmy for you.
PUBLIC SPECTICISM AND NO FUCKING CONTACT
Despite the lucidity of their findings, The Walter Commission has since come in for severe criticism from outside Hunnite and Establishment circles after the release of the controversial Youtuber film 24 hours later, taken by Abraham Youtuber from a vantage point only yards away from the grassy penalty area. The damning 7 seconds of footage, shot on Youtubers state of the art Nokia N900 smartphone, clearly shows McGregor’s head being flung back and to the left after no fucking contact whatsoever. This has led to over 80% of the Scottish public embracing the “He’s just a cheating bastard from a club with a track record of shameless fucking cheating” theory. Other theories have since emerged linking the McGregor assassination to the shooting of compatriots Kyle Laughable by lone-nute Charlie Mulgrew (back at the piggery, say no more) and Kevin “I can’t get a broken leg without contact but my leg’s not broken” Thomson (shot by Georgie the Greek, a gangster name and a timmy into the bargain, case closed) as an all pervasive and ruthless conspiracy to perpetuate and extend the power of the Hunnery-Industrial complex.
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS
To date, no credible evidence has been presented in public to support such claims. Well, at least nothing that Ewen Cameron, Bill Leckie or Jim Traynor will admit to. The Walter Commission and other classified SFA documents are not due for public release until 2075 and are exempt from Freedom of Information legislation in the absence of the correct funny handshake.
