But Smith represents literally a quantum leap forward.  He appears to be governed by rules that are bizarre and appear to go against everyday experience and common sense. To be honest, even people like Jabba Traynor who claim to be experts in Gordon Smith’s reality, or “Gordonality,” seem bewildered by its implications; and any person who tells you he or she truly “understands” Gordon Smith is either lying or is a Scottish Journalist.


Nevertheless, close and repeated study of Smith in real-world situations has yielded a standard model that has proved eerily accurate in predicting Smudger’s behaviour in interview after interview, comment after comment, and every other event in his “face-time” continuum.

The basic concepts behind this model are:


In much the same way that light is both a particle and a wave, Gordon Smith is both a idiot and a genius, depending on the situation. It is not that he is one or the other; it is not that he is one and then the other. He is both at the same time.  Gordon Smith literally thinks on a quantum level.  The ability to be appointed to high levels of governance in Football, yet appear to have the mental ability of a one-eyed mongoose would indicate the ability to think on a completely different level than most other humans.  This is evidenced by some of the insanely left-field answers and excuses he invents, while seemingly being seen by the media to be a qualified commentator on all aspects of the game. It’s clear his mind operates in a different dimension to the rest of us.


Gordon Smith’s footballing viewpoints can be expressed only in terms of likelihood, not certainty. While some views are obviously far less likely than others, “noview” can be thought of as absolutely impossible. Thus, for instance, there is at any given moment a nonzero chance that Gordon Smith supports tax cheats.


Frustrating as it may be, the rules of quantum humanism dictate that no human being can ever simultaneously know both what Gordon Smith’s current position is and where that position will be at some future date. This is known as the “principle uncertainty principle.”


It doesn’t matter whether it’s a proton, neutron or moron: the act of observing cannot be separated from the outcome of the observation. By asking Gordon Smith how he feels about an issue, you unavoidably affect how he feels about it. More precisely, Gordon Smith will feel every possible way about an issue until the moment he is asked about it, at which point the many feelings decohere into the single answer most likely to be utterly wrong and ill-informed.


Smith often violates, and in some cases even reverses, the law of cause and effect. For example, ordinarily the cause of getting a question wrong leads to the effect of being considered the stupidest football pundit on radio. But in the case of Gordon Smith, the cause of being considered the stupidest football pundit on radio actually produces the effect of getting questions wrong.


This Celtic fan believes the existence of Gordon Smith allows for the possibility of the spontaneous creation of an “anti-Smith” that leaps into existence and annihilates Gordon Smith. However the science behind this is sketchy at best, as we have only scratched the surface of anti-matter and we have not yet been able to manufacture or capture any viable amount of anti-matter from which we could fashion an anti-Smith.  Nevertheless the theory is solid.  Barring the actual appearance of “anti-Smith”, the sight of him hurling his body towards that of a screaming Gordon Smith and the resultant explosion and release of mega-amounts of energy we cannot prove this either way.


What does all this bode for the future of Smudger? By this point it won’t surprise you to learn the answer is, “I don’t know,” because according to the latest theories, the current “Gordon Smith” is but one of countless Gordon Smiths, each occupying his own cosmos, each appearing as an incoherent pundit on many varied platforms of the media, each being compared to a different colour of dog’s jobbies (white ones are scarce these days) but all of them equally real, all of them equally valid and all of them talking nonsense on the radio at the same time, in their own alternative Gordonalities, somewhere in the vast Gordonverse.

And in all of them Celtic is winning the league.

Hail Hail.


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